In order to start one of these posts, you have to click on "compose." Which, under present circumstances I find vaguely ironic, because, prop-posts aside, this is sort of where I come when I feel anything but composed. And lately, I've been feeling, I don't even know quite how to put it yet.
Struggling with relevancy? I feel--ugh, and I have to back up here first, even now.
I know how self-serving this site is. How privileged I am in life, in real and tangible ways. I have health, my body hurts but it is strong and it keeps healing. And my beautiful wife. I love her. She is the best part of me in almost any way you could measure it. I am truly loved and as understood as I might hope to be. She gives me the space I need when I need it, which I often do. And she lets me be hers without feeling like I'm trapped or weighed down. I'm odd and prickly and I kind of bristle when I think about settling down--and yet, I'm nothing if not loyal and devoted and truly committed in every way to this woman, our life, our home together.
But, the fact is, despite these many good things--so many--I feel sad. I feel adrift. I, gosh. I don't even really know where to start here. Except--I miss a peer group? Is that odd? My friends here are all younger than me. It shouldn't matter, it doesn't, but I-- or does it? I can't shake the feeling that I've become sort of..well. All my friends are 20-somethings, and I'm old enough to be a parent. I mean, sure, a slutty one who slept around young to make a few of these age gaps stick--but you get the drift. I feel, I struggle with feeling irrelevant and slightly ridiculous. I sometimes catch a glimpse of me through them, and wonder am I? Are they tolerant, kind, uncomfortable? Am I discordant to them or merely me?
What is the connectedness I'm missing? I've wondered if it's as simple as being cut off from other artistic folk. It's been ages since I've been in and accepted by that community. Yes, I write, I create work at home. But always in isolation and I'm tired of not having a supportive social group.
And there it is. I think I've finally word-vomited my way to understanding. I want a group that wants me. A friend that wants me. Real me, actual me: sometimes worried, curt, flippant, tender, tense, curious, sharp, silly me. I think that's part of where I'm tripped up. I'm not. I'm not--and even here Kay gets me wrong sometimes. I'm not strong or brave or pulled together. Which is to say, of course I'm that. It's all part of the kit that comes with me. But I'm also scared and uncertain and sometimes, lately, I just want someone to tell me it'll be okay. I miss my big guy Kris. I just miss him. Like many others, I let him slip away--and partly he needed to go because I know he was a little bit in love with me. But partly, I'm so good at moving and starting over, that I think I never quite learned how to stay and hold on.
I want friendship I can believe in as healthy and in balance for all. I mean, what is my role with these beautiful young people who are at the very tipping point of real adult changes and growth of significant magnitude? Can I possibly be just a dude hanging out? I'm always going to be older. I'm. Gosh. I'm just really, really sad. And I don't know how to fix it. I feel a bit shit for this self-indulgent post, too.