This just occurred to me. Insight!
I have been craving, craving, cigarettes lately. The act of smoking to be more precise. The ritual: the beautiful, silver lighter. The ash of the cigar. The scotch.
It suddenly occurred to me in this order:
I grew up in a smoking household. Until I left for college, dad smoked. Mom did not. But dad did. I never remember the house smelling of smoke. I think dad was careful and mom was fastidious about keeping a clean home. Also, I was a kid and not really focused on these things. So maybe the house did smell smokey, but I very, very much doubt it. I don't even remember full ashtrays. I think my mom must have driven herself to distraction keeping those things empty.
I smoked briefly during college. And by "college" I mean, that period of years where I was studiously dropping out, as opposed to attending classes. So for maybe three years (?) I was an occasional to intermittent smoker. Then I started dating someone with an auto-immune disorder and I stopped overnight. So clearly I was either a) never addicted or b) able to go cold-turkey because I had a good reason/person to quit for.
It has been 20 years since I've smoked. And by the way, I'm a very good girl: no pot in this body, it was never my thing. Always too scared of addiction, oddly, since I was smoking cigarettes. But welcome to my quirky brain.
But suddenly, over the last few months I've been thinking about smoking all the time. The middle of the day, late at night: I want to light up. I have no idea why. I don't like the way cigarettes smell and I'm especially not down with cancer or emphysema. So why the sudden ignition of desire?
I wonder if growing up in a smoking house--even so many years ago, has semi-hard-wired me to crave nicotine? I have no idea, but I've been wondering lately.